I have lived with pain most of my life and even though I have learned to deal with the physical the best I can I have yet to find a way to cope with the emotional pain. In my effort to dull the ache in the hole where my heart is supposed to be I have pushed many away including one that still haunts me to this day. Trying to push aside my mistakes and improve myself I did my best to start feeling things that I should only to find it has caused further problems for me. I had at one point forgotten the feeling of being alone it came easily being forced to be a single mother from the start and got easier over time. But allowing myself to feel things made me remeber it and from there the pain has incressed. I have hurt so many that now I feel like I am cursed to be alone for the rest of my life having no luck no matter what I say or do. I know I caused pain to others because I felt nothing but pain and was afraid to feel anything else after such a long time and saying sorry is never going to be enough. I caused enough dammage that I lost so much and between being forced to run from my problems and not standing my ground I have had to pay the price and lose someone dear to me that I never told how I felt. I am happy for this person as well as other people who have stayed in my llife and stuck by my side knowing a portion of the hell I have been through. But I cant help to think when will I get a break and catch a small glimps of the love others get to have. Yes I have my kids and all but at the end of the day I go to bed alone and tired from taking care of everyone and being walked all over by others who I feel I have to give what I can to help them out. I for once want to feel love is that asking to much perhaps it is considering the first time I felt that way towards someone all I did was chase him off never saying what I should have said. In the end I will keep my chin up as always being pushed closer and closer to my breaking point praying I wont fall apart and go back to old habits that tempted my life as a way to feel physical what I feel inside.